After going through some of this coaching theory stuff, I've realized that learning all of this will also allow me to be a better athlete, teammate, and captain.

I'm so excited to learn more about coaching and am very motivated to further my education in this field.

Only tedious part is writing out all the hours of lesson planning. Oh well, it's well worth it.

I love expanding my knowledge and being open to new and different things.

Blah

Blah

What an epic weekend.

Best weekend of the summer. By far.

I'm counting down the days until Montreal! I can't wait to compete again. 12 days until the tournament starts! I'm excited to see what some of the teams look like this year.

Come September, I'm going to be MIA for a while. Once I get back from the tournament, I'll have 4 jobs. I'm a pretty organized person, but I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to schedule in some gym time. I'm sure once I get a handle on everything, I'll be able to figure out a good rhythm.

Hopefully my last few weekends of the summer can live up to what this past weekend provided me with.

<3

Sometimes I get confused, but with a simple hello, I'm just smiling.

I don't know what it is. I don't know what this means or if it means anything.

For right now, I'm happy when I'm with you. For right now, you're what is on my mind.

Who knows what will happen down the road. Who knows if our feelings will remain.

I like this unknown. I like the mystery.

I'm happy. I'm really happy.

Isn't that what we all strive for? Isn't that what keeps us motivated?

I miss going portaging and camping.

Why?

I miss packing my stuff into the dry bag, pitching a tent somewhere new every night, packing up a canoe depending on the waves, the mental focus required when you're tired, sitting around a campfire, and the starry skies. The one thing I miss the most is getting to your campsite for the evening, exploring the area you're staying in, and the silence. Pure, true silence. You take a deep breath in and as you exhale, it feels as though all your worries go away. Your eyes close and you start breathing in your surroundings. I can sit there for hours, think, and listen to the silence. No electricity, no technology, no motor vehicles. For those moments, its just you and nature. You look out out to the lake, you can see the moon and stars reflection on the water. Natural light. You look at the leaves and branches rustling with the wind. Pure and real. It's an escape from reality. It's relaxation at its finest.

As connected as I am to my technology, I would much rather live without it. Technology causes so many problems, issues, frustrations, and unneeded stress.

I haven't been portaging in over seven years.

Why? I've made sacrifices, compromises.

Why? They did not enjoy it.

Why? I'm not sure anymore.

I think I need to start making a bucket list.

Every now and then, I try to stop. I feel like I'm a nuisance, so I stop. It's so hard, but I must do it. I've succeeded for a few hours.

Then, I get a message. The smile returns to my face. All self-control runs and hides.

The game of hide-and-seek with the self-control begins all over again.

Why do I feel this way? Feelings are too strong and its so hard to contain them, but I must. It's just better this way.

Is it?

Sigh.

Taking a step back

When you see these same faces at least three times a week for the same purpose, you tend to forget that they have lives outside of these times. Sometimes, we're so engulfed with the goals of the practice, that we lose sight that these people may be going through a tough time in their life.

I guess in conjunction with the lessons I learned this weekend and today's reality check, I'm not a fan of these informal "hey, how are you?" greetings. Honestly, how many times do you say that in passing. Now, how many of those times is someone going to give you a true and honest answer. We need to start taking the time to stop being just teammates and becoming friends.

The e-mail I received from my friend today helped me take a step back and realize how poor of a friend I've been lately. How did I not know this? Where have I been? I wish I had known earlier.

It's usually that one occurrence that requires you to reflect and realize what is going on. It takes a strong person to admit that they've done something wrong or poorly. It takes an even stronger person to go and make that change.

Love life.

Live life.

We're alive, but are we living our life? Life is about experiences and memories. Overcoming fears, battling obstacles, and achieving goals. I've realized that life is more about just that. Life is about doing what you want, what you love, and finding that eternal happiness. Don't let others' judgments affect you. If you're doing something you love, why should anyone else's opinion care.

Be happy. Be who you are. Be true to yourself.

One thing that I've learnt is to not compromise yourself. Yes, you have to make compromises in life, but don't compromise you. Don't sacrifice your integrity or values. Keep doing the things that you love. Once you stop, you'll realize how much you miss it and how much it had meant to you.

Well, at this point, all I can say is that I need to eat my own words, one good dose of honesty. One of my good friends is living by the "less talk, more action" and I think I need to do the same.

B. McKnight

Nothing like a little Brian McKnight to make me smile.

His voice is just ... astonishing. I'd have to say the greatest event of this year was meeting him. I was star-struck. I could barely say a word to him. I did end up mustering up enough energy to mutter my name and tell him a few things. Everything was a blur, so I don't really remember.

I hope I have the chance to watch him perform again. He was simply amazing.

His new album, Just Me, also features some live tracks. I still watch the videos I took of when he was here in February. I just listened to the album, and as usual, I can't say a bad thing about this man.

I want to go see him perform again ... now ... who's in?

True artist. I'm so glad that he's still making music, because all the stuff that is on the radios and on mainstream these days is not music.

Happiness

My thoughts are usually quite random, but I've been thinking about one thing lately.

Happiness is forever, happy is temporary.

You are in control of your own emotions and I know that. I don't let myself get to any extremes, emotion-wise. Is this good? I'm not sure. At the same time, I don't allow others to have an effect on my emotions either.

One exception. I'm not sure why. It brings me back to grade school. Remember the time when you wanted to call someone? You let the phone ring a few times, each ring feels like forever. Then finally, the rhythm of the ring is broken up with a "hello". Your heart skips a beat for that split second and then it stops, you feel your face getting flushed. Then, the next thing you know, you've hung up the phone. Then you realize that you're just happy because you got to hear their voice. That's the same "happy" I feel each time. I'm scared because I've never been so open. Even more scared because it's been so quick. For now, I'm just going to embrace the "happy" and let things work themselves out.

Yes, I am in control of my emotions, but sometimes there is that one thing that allows you to be vulnerable. Has an influence on your emotions and you choose to be happy. That short "hello" can make your day. It's hard to explain why or how. All I know is that I'm in a state of happiness and the extra spurts of happy that is brought on by this is simply amazing.

=) simply happy =)

Chills

There is this one song that everytime I hear it, it gives me chills. The musicality, tone of voice, everything about this song just chills my bones.

The first time I heard this song was in Love & Basketball, which is still one of my favourite movies, I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing. The song fit the scene perfectly and I felt like I was in the movie. Then, when I heard it again on a TV show, it just immediately caught my attention again.

I'm not the type of person that lets too many people in on my life. I think only three people know what has gone on in my life. Two being my best friends and one is someone who, for some reason, I feel comfortable around and feel like I can be me (that's another story of its own). Not too many things can shake me up or rattle me. I'm very much in control of my own emotions, so it's surprising to me that this song can have such an impact on me.

The artist has so much passion and emotion when delivering the lyrics. I can't relate to the lyrics, but I feel as though through her song, I can feel what she's going through. I can feel her sadness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DkvD2Hs2tQ&feature=related

That's the scene from Love & Basketball and the song starts about four and a half minutes later. Granted, I am not a fan of chick flicks, and this is pretty much a chick flick. A sports-based one, but yeah. I remember when I was playing basketball, I wanted to be like her.

Excited!

Excited for what the future holds.

Excited for the adventures ahead.

Excited because the unknown is unknown.

Excited by the prospect of amazing.

How can one not be motivated to start each day?

Do what you want ... live with no regrets

On that note, I'm out.

=)

Timing

Why must timing be so crucial? If it's right, why must it be a factor?

Sigh.

Blah.

Life goes on.

=)

And, I'm over it.

Being happy makes life so much easier.

Easier said than done? I beg to differ.

Imagination

So, I had an interview today and there was one of those "inspirational posters" in the room. The title of it was Imagination and was followed by an Einstein quote. But it did get me thinking (go figure).

What makes your imagination so powerful? How are some people more imaginative than others? Are they really? Or are they just better at expressing it?

The question I have been asking myself for a while now is, does thinking create thoughts or do thoughts provoke thinking? Is this one of these chicken and the egg situations? Is there no precise answer?

Imagination, I think are these thoughts. Some people may say that your imagination is your dream or fantasy. Why can't this be a reality? Maybe, that is what makes people more creative than others. They go and live out their "dream" or "fantasy" while others just sit back and settle.

Why do people sit back and settle? If the opportunity is there, why wouldn't you seize it? Carpe diem, right? Live life to the fullest? Seems like such a cliche. So many people say it, but not many people actually live it. Me? I'm guilty. In many ways. I had a conversation with my best friend last night about settling and regrets. Thinking back on the conversation now, I don't want to settle. I don't live my life with regrets. Life goes on. Do I not regret because I am too lax or do I not regret because I am denying?

Back onto the topic of imagination now. My mind is always running wild. It's very random. I have a vivid imagination, but I don't like to share much of it. Why? I'm not really sure. I think it goes back to my upbringing and my fear of disappointment and failure.

Just take a minute right now. Sit back and relax. Imagine your perfect life. Your utopia. See how happy you are. See how carefree you are. Doing all the things you love with the people you love.

Why can't this be reality? Because it's your perfect life? Yes, there may be some obstacles to achieving it. But why does it always seem so far-fetched? Go and do it. Find that perfect person and go for it. If you've found them, don't let them go. Piece your perfect life together.

Your imagination is created by your mind. Your mind is your most powerful asset and most detrimental liability. Only YOU can determine how you choose to use it.

Think about it.

So, if you've ever lost someone, you will be able to relate to this. It's been about a year and a half now for me. This person has been one of the largest influences in my life. Let's say that I haven't had the most storybook upbringing. Well, I did for a while.

Reflecting back, there's only been one person who I've looked up to and wanted to emulate. Now he's gone and I must live to make him proud.

Certain days, you feel ok. You feel like life is continuing and that you're doing fine. Then comes a crossroads, a decision that leaves you stopped in your tracks. What would he have done? What would he tell me? I know that deep down in my heart, whatever decision I make, he supports me 100%. I tell myself that he just wants me to be happy.

He was the one that made me happy. I remember the times when he walked me home from school, made me lunch, rode our bikes together, ate 2 for 1 pizza, when he took care of me when I was sick, and how proud of me he was. He was my number 1 fan, my backbone, my first step when I needed a push. Nobody can ever replace him.

Some days I wake up and I feel like I need him, that I need his support. These days are my toughest. I go through the motions of the day and I think about if I'm making him proud, if I'm doing the right things. What would he say to me if he were still here?

Everyone says that when I walked into the room, his face would light up with a smile.

I wish I could tell him that I love him and that I'll do everything to make you happy.

Today is one of those rough days. Life goes on. I know this, but I would give anything to bring you back.

I love you and I miss you.

12.21.09

Forever in my heart. <3

Destiny?

It's funny how things work. One day, you think your whole life is planned out and everything is set in stone. The next day, things can be completely different. I keep saying it, but I don't think I've ever taken it to heart. What is it? Change is the only constant in life.

What am I talking about? I can't give specifics. All I can say is that there are some things in life that you can't help. Life takes you on a journey. Yes, you can make your own decisions and follow whatever path you want to take, but there comes a time when life just throws obstacles in the way. Even if you try and dodge them, it just comes back. I guess this is what they call destiny. I can't help but think, what am I doing? I've been skirting around these obstacles, but it somehow keeps following me. Should I just give in to "destiny" or should I keep trying to change the path.

Life is the most interesting rollercoaster. I guess everything happens for a reason. Can you really change the path though? If you choose the wrong path, will it just keep presenting itself until you do choose it? Will it ever go away? Is there even such a thing as "destiny"?

Sigh.